Understanding Fears and 10 Steps to Improving Relationships
We are all in relationships to one another. The heart of living is in relationships. The quality of relationships we experience reflects our level of self-acceptance, self-love and freedom from fear.
Communication is the substance of relationships. If we are not in touch with ourselves we will not have good communication with others. We must know, as best as we can at any given moment in time, who we are, what we want, and what our life purpose is. Of course, this knowledge changes as we grow and go through life, and often our relationships come and go in the process.
Five fears you may experience Regarding Relationships
- Fear of Rejection
My feelings and affections will not be returned or appreciated. If this happens, my worst fears that I am a basically unlovable person will be confirmed. - Fear of Failure
What if we can’t make a go of this relationship? What if it doesn’t last? If this happens, my worst fears that I am basically an unworthy person and a failure will be confirmed. - Fear of Self
After this person really gets to know who I am he/she couldn’t possibly still love me. Underneath my charming exterior resides a fake, a dunce; how could I possibly keep from showing my bad side (real self) forever? - Fear of Responsibility
What if I really learn to love this person and make a financial commitment, an emotional commitment and it falls apart? What if my partner gets sick and I have to take care of him/her? What if we have children and he/she leaves me? What if I get saddled with more than I have bargained for? - Fear of Personal Limitations
Togetherness results in two half-people. If I want to continue to pursue my goals and dreams, my partner might stand in my way. He/She may hold me back and keep me from personal happiness.
Ask Yourself These Following Questions About Yourself
- How do you feel about yourself? In what areas do you feel apologetic, fearful, defensive, resentful, confident, powerful, and so on? Examine your old programming: physical, mental emotional, sexual, creative self-expression, etc.
- If you have identified several basic limiting programs in your thinking, how are they presently affecting your closest relationships?
- What qualities are you attracted to in others as friends and family members?
- What qualities are you attracted to in a partner?
Ten-Step Guide to Improving Relationships
1. Live each day to the fullest
As much as you can, be in the present. At the end of every day forgive yourself and forgive others, thank Life for another opportunity to learn and to love. Avoid living in the past and basing your happiness upon the achievement of some future goals.
2. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings
Speak in “I feel…” statements rather than “You are…”. Pay attention to your feelings – whether positive or negative – because they are telling you valuable information about yourself.
3. Listen to your body
Often we are out of touch with our true feelings or emotions, but the body does not lie. Are you stressed, irritated, getting sick more often than normal? Listen to the body during interactions with others and you will often get a true reading of what is going on with yourself.
4. To thine own self be true
Be kind and compassionate, yet do not pretend feelings and beliefs that are not there. Honesty is the basis of intimacy – with yourself and others. Examine roles you play that are phony.
5. Make your own mistakes and give others the same right
Avoid the parent-counselor role by trying to solve other people’s problems. Be a sounding board for one another, but let the other person solve his/her own problems. That’s what we are her for, and it’s the only way we’ll ever grow. You will have all you can do to work on your own issues and problems.
6. Set up “Communication Time” and develop some ground rules for discussing problems and difficulties
The things you agree on are easy; it’s the things you disagree on that can drive you up the wall. To effectively problem-solve, each person must learn to adapt an assertive approach: stating what the problem is, what he or she wants, and a possible fair and workable solution. But most important, each person needs to practice listening to the other. Frequent complaints can be “You never listen… or….you don’t understand me.”
7. Just because you love someone does not mean you will enjoy living with him or her
You may love unconditionally, but you cannot live or work in this world with no conditions or ground rules. Much needless suffering arises from assuming that you both know what the ground rules are. Openly discuss your living, working or loving agreements.
8. Practice seeing your partner (friend, colleague, employer, etc.) as a fully-empowered person, free to make his/her own choices
Practice acknowledging that each of you are here because “God isn’t finished with us yet.” Each person has strengths and weaknesses. Take others off pedestals. Look at the warts as well as the beauty marks, recognizing many parts make up us as whole people. As you learn to accept strengths and weaknesses in others, you also more fully accept strengths and weaknesses in yourself.
9. Remind yourself that expectations of others to constantly meet your emotional, mental, and physical needs will result in continual frustration
Practice creating a sense of fullness and completeness within. Repeat “I have all the love I need within my own heart.” Practice meeting others from a feeling of confidence and wholeness, rather than a feeling of need or insecurity.
10. Cultivate daily your own spiritual resources
Develop your intuition, your higher awareness, and keep your energy high. How your world works is up to you. Alan Watts has said that basically we are the energy of the universe dancing with itself – what is there to fear?
