Seven Steps to Assertiveness
At the heart of assertiveness is self-responsibility. We are responsible for ourselves and the caretakers of our lives as we move through the world. When we suppress our feelings, build up anger and hold resentment toward others or play the role of the cosmic doormat, we bring upon ourselves a variety of both physical and mental ills.
Our interpersonal relationships are perhaps the greatest source of stress in our lives. How we interact with others depends upon the relationship we have with ourselves, our perspective on the world, and our level of energy at any given moment. To practice being assertive means to practice being clear with yourself, taking responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and goals in addition to giving yourself permission to grow. In short, the only reason why you are here on the earth plane is to learn to know yourself.
Becoming assertive won’t happen overnight if you haven’t been up to this point but it is something you can improve and work on all the time. The most important thing is to start small and be patient with yourself. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you. Be sure that you are putting your needs first. With time, you will start to feel more confident and in control of your life.
If you want to get ahead in your relationships, assertiveness is a vital communication tool. Knowing how to ask for what you need also helps you maintain a healthy mental outlook.
7 Steps To Becoming More Assertive
At your core, remember this: you have a right to express your opinions and needs, and others have a responsibility to respect them. Internalizing this alone can help you feel more confident and empowered when speaking up.
- Start small
If you’re not used to being assertive, it can feel daunting to try to change your entire communication style overnight. Start by practicing assertiveness in low-stress situations. For example, if you’re at the supermarket and you can’t reach something on the top shelf, ask someone to help you. This is a simple, easy way to start to develop your assertiveness muscle. - Practice saying “no” without feeling guilty
Your job is not to please everyone all of the time. Your job is to please yourself. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sacrifice yourself from time to time to help others, but when you put your needs last all the time, you will eventually become frustrated. It is easier to say “no” when you know exactly who you are and what you want.In today’s world we have thousands of things on our plate and reasonable people understand you saying “no” when you calmly explain what is going on. We all have to prioritize and to have more time and energy for yourself, it’s OK to say “no.” Just because someone has asked you for something doesn’t mean you always have to say “yes.” The choice is yours.
- Confident Body Language
When speaking up for yourself or just simply asking for what you want, you can use body language to add an extra layer of confidence to your message. For instance, try sitting up straight and making eye contact when speaking with others. This conveys trustworthiness and that you are worth listening to. Look at how other people you think look confident and try to emulate how they hold themselves. In other words, fake it until you make it. . . we all do it. Sit up, spine straight, shoulders back, chin up and say “I am powerful!” How does THAT feel? Good, right?! That’s because your words, feelings, and posture are in alignment. - Stand up for yourself and your beliefs
If you are a people pleaser who hates conflict it may be difficult to start standing up for yourself. But you can’t please everyone and if you try, you will make yourself miserable. If someone is disrespecting you or your beliefs, it’s important to state your position and stand up for yourself. This doesn’t have to be done aggressively, but simply by stating your position confidently and clearly. Try practicing formulating your beliefs and it will be easier to state them in social situations. You can’t stand up for yourself if you don’t have clarity or don’t know what you stand for. Once you do, the rest will fall into place. - Deal with difficult conversations head-on
Use clear and concise communication when dealing with difficult conversations. This doesn’t mean that every conversation will be easy, but you will at least feel better equipped to handle them when they come up. If you know that you are preparing to have a difficult relationship conversation, become clear on what it is you need to say before the conversation. This means knowing your facts and being clear about your wants or needs. Then, engage in the discussion using “I” statements. For example, “I feel disrespected when you speak to me like that.” It’s also important not to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask questions. That does two things:- It enables you to gather more information
- It allowed the other person to feel heard
- Respond calmly and rationally to negative comments
When you are assertive and confident in what you say, it might cause a reaction in some people, especially when they are not used to you speaking up for yourself. For whatever reason, it’s important to remember that their opinion of you is not your reality. Whenever this happens, it’s important to respond and not react which means to speak calmly and not get into an argument. When we react, we do so out of emotion. Take a breath, avoid getting caught up in the emotion, and respond in a way that is consistent with what you want and who you want to be. Remember, you are in control of your emotions, not the other way around. - Seek out feedback from others
It’s important to get feedback from others on how you’re doing. This will help you to identify any areas where you need to continue to work and also give you a sense of how far you’ve come. Share your goal of trying to be more assertive with someone you trust and ask for their honest feedback on how you come across. It’s important to be open-minded and listen to what they have to say.
